Today..

Today I have had a very heavy heart and I am not sure why.... 99.9% of the time I am OK with the fact that my Dad is not in my life..  I am not sure why today it has bothered me... But today I am angry!! I am angry that he walked away from my life and has never looked back. I am angry that my kids don't have a grandpa to take them fishing, to come to their school activities, to come to eat overs, to have sleepovers with... I am angry that he took that from them.. I am angry that even this one time it bothers me.. There is nothing or anyone on this earth that I would ever trade for my kids. My kids are like my right arm, although most days make me want to rip my hair out, my life wouldn't be complete without them.. They are my reason for breathing.. How can he just write me off... I have accepted the fact that he will never be in my life, or my kids lives.. I really have... I know that I have an amazing Mom, and that it is HIM who is missing out!! Not me...  I look at Courtnee and the magnetic bond that her and Troy share and it warms my heart that she will never have that empty void in her heart... She is Troy's little princess and that will never change.. I love that she will have him always in her life and her heart.. With that being said, I will move on.. Tomorrow is a new day!!

Everytime I hear this song I think of my dad...

It's called Hey Dad, by Good Charlotte..

Hey Dad,
I'm writing to you,
Not to tell you
that I still hate you,
just to ask you how you feel.

And how we fell apart,
how this fell apart.

Are you happy out there
in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons,
Do you miss your little girl?

When you lay your head down
how do you sleep at nite?
Do you even wonder if we're alright?
But we're alright,
We're alright...

(chorus)
It's been a long hard road without you by my side.
Why weren't you there all the nites that we cried?
You broke my mothers heart, you broke your children for life.
It's not okay,
but we're alright.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,
but those are just a long lost memory of mine.
I spent so many years learning how to survive,
now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive.

The days I spent so cold, so hungry,
were full of hate,
I was so angry.

The scars run deep inside this tattooed body,
there's things I'll take to my grave.

But I'm okay
I'm okay

(chorus)

yeah, I'm still alive.

Sometimes,
I forgive.
Yeah, and this time,
I'll admit.
That I miss you,
said I miss you.

(chorus)

Sometimes I forgive...
Yeah, this time I'll admit...
That I miss you.
I miss you.
Hey Dad.